Our Experience on The Kiss Kruise
Miami to Jamaica Oct 30th – Nov 3rd, 2015
Sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. Well there were no drugs but I cannot make any promises about the other two. We rock’n’rolled all night and partied everyday. Those were some Crazy nights and I have never felt more Alive. The puns and pathetic banter will only get worse so you have been warned.
When I told my granny ‘the connoisseur of the cruise’ that we were going on the Kiss Kruise, she said two things…
‘Oh, I couldn’t go that long without a fag.’
She was referring to the 14 hours it took to get from little old Aberdeen to the big American beast that is Miami.
‘Do you have a nice formal frock for meeting the captain of the ship?’
Right from the start I should tell you that the Kiss Kruise is not that kind of classy, family cruise. Even if you do not listen to Kiss, you will soon understand what it is like to cruise with a rock band.
We boarded the Norwegian Pearl Cruise Ship for 5 days with the rock band KISS and various other support acts. Everything was KISS themed and the drinks measures aren’t measured. You stay in a beautiful room and live like a God whilst meeting KISS and partying on a boat in the Caribbean.
Initially, my boyfriend and I booked this on a complete whim and questioned our mentality during the whole payment process. This isn’t just a cheeky little trip to Spain for some beaching and boozing. This is saying goodbye to reality and your bank balance and stepping in to KISS world for 5 days. Prepare to say goodbye to any sense of time, normality and diet. Instead, say hello to costumes, tequila and deep fried chicken wings on your balcony at 3am.
The Pre-Kiss Kruise Preparations
This did not involve packing too much swimwear, shoes and evening gowns. Nope, our suitcase consisted off;
- 70’s style costume and gogo boots
- Halloween costume
- Superhero Costume
- Scotland flag
- A wooden boat bathroom decoration which we cut in half and turned into a replica of the actual boat for my partners Halloween Costume. He dressed as ‘the Kiss Kruise.’
Imagine we got stranded in Heathrow for a few days, I would be at the bar dressed in gogo boots and a Scotland flag.
The whole journey to Miami Port for departure must of been fun and games for the poor Uber driver. He never understood a word of what we were saying and yet we all spoke the same language.
There is something special about hopping out of a taxi to see a whole crowd of people donning all kinds of KISS gear and they all had the same ‘what the hell am I doing with my life’ attitude. The baggage man arrived and stole all of our bags. Don’t worry though as he was meant to do this. This is the moment where you panic that somebody has absolutely packed your bags with Class A drugs behind your back. This never happened however I was grateful to be freed up of all my luggage.
All Aboard the Crazy Cruise
Whilst we waited in our check in area, I went to get a drink of water. Unfortunately I walked right in to the VIP area by pure accident. I strutted past the security people like they were mere trees. I was quickly told where to go and it wasn’t for cocktails with Kiss. My boyfriend cringed, as he does on a regular basis at my complete lack of sight and the utter humiliation that I bestow on him. Me and Gene nearly had coffee. Dammit.
The Norwegian Pearl is a pretty, huge boat. I didn’t expect a rubber dingy but this thing was an actual country. Maybe a distant cousin of Norway? Stepping on that boat was incredible. My fiance is one of the biggest KISS bands ever to grace earth so he was turning various shades of excitement whilst pacing back and fore. At this point, I had listened to around 6 songs in total by KISS so I was pretty much there for the booze and the good times.
On arrival, we went straight to an outside lunch area where I ordered a cocktail the size of a bucket because I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. We then visited the pool deck where I stayed in the pool for as long as possible before our luggage was moved to our room. I refilled that cocktail bucket around 4 times so by the time our luggage was moved to our room, my head was hazy.
When we got to our room, we were blown away.
The room itself had a massive bed and I think it was hand crafted by angels as it was the most comfortable bed ever made. The bathroom was split in two with doors separating the shower area and the toilet. This was particularly beneficial when my boyfriend was having his morning…shower. There was a spacious and pristine balcony overlooking the sea and I felt like a god.
Our room was filled with KISS memorabilia and a cute little TV that had a map of where we were in the sea and a radio which played Kiss songs on loop. I soon got changed into the loosest piece of fabric I could find as there is a pretty drastic change in temperature between Aberdeen and the Port of Miami.
The Norwegian Pearl staff and the Sixthman staff really spare no expense in treating you like royalty. We had a cool little dude who looked after us and our room during our stay on the Kiss Kruise. He never judged me once even when I walked out of the room dressed in some of the weirdest costumes.
Bye bye Miami, hello open seas
KISS played an electric unmasked set on the pool deck during the Kiss Kruise departure from Miami which was a pretty big deal to most of the people there. I was just questioning my life and singing along to the 3 songs that I knew but by the end of that set I was a huge fan. This made the rest of the cruise even better. That day was a muddle of sober and half drunk with a sprinkle of ‘holy crap, I am on a boat with Kiss’. My favourite song from the first Kiss performance was ‘Mainline’ released in 1974. This set me up for the rest of the night…
That 70’s Night
There is no rest for the wicked. This meant going back to our room with fluffy heads filled with cabo wabo tequila and attempting to make ourselves look like we had just stepped out of the seventies. Amazingly, I think we pulled off our costumes. Check out the state of these two:
The rest of the night involved going to see Lita Ford, the Dead Daisies and Fozzy. We wandered around in our crazy crazy costumes whilst consuming more cocktails than George Michael did at Club Tropicana.
We met Kiss fans from all over the world. The highlight from that night was meeting two American guys that were absolutely smashed potatoes. They couldn’t get over the fact that my boyfriends name was Scott and that he was Scotland. I quote
‘Scott, from Scotland, you must be making that up. Is that your real voice?’
It was his real voice and people love the Scottish but they love our whisky more. Again, I quote
‘your whisky is better than the scotch you get here man.’
That’s because our whisky is the real deal.
What a life we were having as it was only day 2 and we were having the time of our lives. Halloween on a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean. We were actually very classy during the daylight hours of our second day. We took to playing croquet and discussing salads and world politics. Later, we even caught a theatre show. Yeah right! We spent the day visiting the various restaurants around the ship always with the dedicated drink in hand.
My boyfriend caught a glimpse of Michael Starr from Steel Panther playing basketball in one of the Norwegian Pearls courts. This was just little old us hanging out with rock stairs and the like. Ironically, on the second day of the cruise after confirming that it wasn’t a hangover, I realised that I was in fact sea sick. What a dampner! The sixthman staff that were working on board the Pearl and hosting the Kiss Kruise were very helpful though and provided me with sea sickness tablets to save my life during the cruise.
My boyfriend decided to show his dedication with getting a little (YEAH RIGHT) tattoo whilst on board the ship. Yes, the Kiss Kruise had tattooists from Atlanta Tattoo. Pretty crazy getting a tattoo done on a boat when there are such things as waves in existence. Everything seemed to go as planned though and he ended up with an epic Kiss piece on his forearm. It didn’t stop me getting involved either.
Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy Nights
I wish I could inform you about all of the events on the 31st October 2015. Unfortunately due to an unforseen thirst and copious amounts of cabo wabo tequila, I am unable to recall everything that took place. We managed to pull of our costumes anyway. I dressed as a ‘crazy, crazy knight’ because I hate a pun. My boyfriend dressed as the actual Kiss Kruise. Yes, we made our own little mini version of the Norwegian Pearl and took it all the way from Scotland to Miami in a suitcase. That is dedication on a whole new level.
The absolute highlight of that night was ending up on stage with Steel Panther. This is amusing because the first time I seen Steel Panther, I was on a massive Debbie downer along with complete sobriety and found them too crude for my liking. This was in Glasgow and I cried. How times change, I ended up on stage with the band and am now a huge Steel Panther fan.
I even included the video below (it was caught on film and I am the idiot in the knight costume playing the guitar on a toy sword). Told you the Kiss Kruise was memorable. Fast forward to 1 hour 7 minutes and the shame starts from there…
Scooby Doo! and Kiss: Rock and Roll Mystery
Scooby Doo was shown in the main lounge for the cruisers who were maybe a little young to be listening to Steel Panther or for those who were too offended by Steel Panther and my horrendous dance moves. Kiss have their own Scooby Doo movie, how cool is that? I can’t imagine a film with Aerosmith or Bon Jovi although that should probably be a thing.
Oh yeah, we met Kiss
We also met Chris Jericho…
We spent today in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. This was the most hungover day in my whole life and I had pre-booked to climb a waterfall. My boyfriend only took one pair of trusty Lacoste trainers with him for the whole holiday because he is a big, minimalist and does not believe in packing 12 extra of everything. However this resulted in him using these shoes to climb up a waterfall. He had just had his tattoo as well therefore he climbed up a waterfall in non grip shoes with one arm in the air. Who does that?
I feel like Jamaica needs a whole post of its own due to the fact that it was amazing. There is too much to put into this article, watch this space.
Bloody Marys, Bacon and Bingo with Steel Panther
I have no idea who makes this stuff up but they deserve a medal. Bloody Marys are absolute filth and there was hell no way I was putting that stuff anywhere near my mouth. Mimosas were my friend. I couldn’t stomach bacon due to the 5am buffet party that me and Scott decided to have on the balcony. I never won bingo either but that is maybe a good thing due to the absolute shocker I made of myself on Halloween. What if Steel Panther remembered me? *dies inside*
Paul Stanleys Pizza Party
Not many people can say that they sat for a solid hour and watched Paul Stanley from Kiss make a pizza. It was like a slightly drunker and more confusing version of Hells Kitchen but strangely enough I enjoyed it. The pizza was even served at the buffet later on and if that isn’t rock’n’roll then please tell me what is?
Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. We met some of the most incredible people from all over the world and it was awesome to be sharing the love of one thing. It would be like having a chocolate or gin cruise but with more eye liner and spandex outfits. Our experience on the Kiss Kruise gave us some skyscraper memories. If it taught me one thing, there is a big wide world right outside my door and I just need to explore it, or win the lottery so I can cruise around the world like a rock star for the rest of my life.